Showing posts with label night post. Show all posts

Well now everyone, I have applied for for schools in UK. And due to rules in UK ou can only apply for 5 courses but i have only applied for 4. And for those who are wondering what i applied for its

• Game development with Mathematics (Joint hours) - Kingston
  
• Game development - Kingston
• Mathematics And Computer Science - University of Bristol
• Game development (Story Development) - University of East London

I know that the deadline was 15th of January. And honestly i found out today about it. So i missed the deadline. Well hopefully i'll have as much luck as when i got into JTH (Thank you who told me that they used same system as here in sweden).

Besides that i saw Rawride the other day and i promise you all they are great. They played on a charity for Médecins Sans Frontières (Or more known as Doctors Without Borders). Well there was a few other bands playing also like Stormhold, Solitude and Screw You. Yes there is a band called that in the area. After the show we went back to Faust place and played some games and had fun. Got a little crazy after awhile but it was fun.

And to end this. Dont watch the unrated version of Sex Drive. I thought it contained just a little more nudity than the rated version. But i warn you all its a freaking porn movie.

Have a great day.

Days passing by. And hardly any posts from me. I guess I'm slacking off a little here. Too much World of Warcraft lately probably. Darn that game, it really kills you from the outside. Though i have finally gotten a good character. Either way today I'm gonna take up a topic that when i was little had hardly any existence. But lately is something i see more and more often. The Euro-Asian families. When i was little and a growing child i lived in a town where most people somehow breeded with people similar to each other and with that i mean Swedish with Swedish, Vietnamese with Vietnamese, Bosnian with Bosnian and so on. But lately i have seen alot of couples who are Swedish+Thai. I mean a couple of years ago that was a pretty darn rare sight. Now i see it almost everyday. And don't go up north. Each and every guy there is together with an Asian there. Was so in shock when i was in Sundsvall to shop and all i saw was Swedish men with Asian wife's and kids. Started to wonder if it was some kind of trend or something up there. Though then again I'm as guilty as them. I was together with a Asian girl. And btw i am not against it really. Just that it feels weird for me seeing other euro-asian couples.
Though finally got my laptop to work again after the charger broke over a month ago. Finally i can sit in Fedora again. Though it was funny the day i got the charger. after getting the charger i went to school to study with some friends. While working and studying i was also updating my computer. And i tell you with Linux there is always new updates each month and it updates software that isn't just for the operating system but also for everything else also so you never need to worry about having old software. well either way. After being done with 200 updates or so, it was time for restarting the computer. And so i did. I shouldn't had, it was a mistake. It seems sometime during the updates it updated GRUB in some way so. And GRUB handles something that is called the Master Boot Record that handles what should be booted and how it should be done. Well somehow it now said there weren't any harddrive to boot from. Though that doesn't make really sense cause for GRUB to even start it needs a harddrive. Well later that night i fixed it with my "pro" Linux skills (Google). But now everything works. And now even Spotify works, that before said i didn't have a working sound card.
And now something i have hold in for quite awhile. Even though it have been around 4 months since it ended, the feelings is still there. And now the other day we finally had a real talk for the first time in a long time. And honestly it was really relieving that we finally talked. Though it started off bad, things finally was took up between the two of us. And honestly during that time i felt glad that she opened up and told me straight to me what was going on. Something i havent dared to do since things splitted up. And honestly all feelings are still there, just that they are hidden away to ensure no one gets hurt. Though still i have times when i am emotionally down. Some people have really have seen the worst sides of me during that time. Sides i didnt want anyone to see or experience. Though worst thing with just holding things in that when for example hugging a relative or a friend it just feels empty and i start to remember those hugs that could really make me explode. Wish i just could experience it once more. Cause honestly i couldnt get enough of it. I just wished things wouldnt be so complicated.
I dont know if some people will react to it but this is how it is partly inside. I wish i could be more true at this at this moment. Well i hope this will be a good post for you all.

Friday today and me very very tired. Think i will go to bed after posting this. Quite early for me actually. Though i have been most of the time in school today and then when i got home i had to make dinner. And now i'm really exhausted and sleepy. Wish there were more energy in me. And it was a pretty sadening day today. Havent been able talk long with anyone really today. Espcially some people. Even though i have had two friends around me today i felt a little lonesome. Maybe its cause of lack of socializing or something else. Darn i'm too dependent on other people maybe. Feels like sometimes i cant do anything until i have had a daily dose of something. Pretty annoying really.
And now i got brain dead. Guess the bed is calling. Good night!

Time flies by sometimes but not as often as i want to. Sorry Amelia for the late update but the time flew away cause i was tired yesterday. Tonight though i will be up long. Need to reinstall my computer. This time i will try Windows Vista x64. Hopefully it will be more stable than the normal version. But before i can install the new version i have to download it and thats why im writing now cause i have loads of time.
Dreamhack ended yesterday and i'm sorry to say it wasnt as good as it used to be. My friends thought it was great but i cant say the same. During the event i got myself a new hard drive though. So now i have loads of space on my computer for once. Though the only problem is that my computer is crapping me. :/
During the event something weird started to stir inside of me though. Started to feel angry over something but i dont know what it was. When i lost in a game or something just didnt go my way i got angry. Havent had such anger issues before. I even got irritated at people for nothing at all. Still only one person calmed me down. Dunno how that person did it, but it worked. Something is really wrong with me lately. And that person seems to be the only one making me relaxed and calm. Maybe it is as someone said. Maybe it is cause i want some kind of closure as a friend of mine said. But then again i have moved on without closure before why not now? The mind is truely a force to recon with. It can really mess you up good and you cant do anything to stop it. But aslo lately i have not only felt angry i have felt alone also. Even while i was on dreamhack. I had like 10'000 people that was like me and i could talk with anyone about anything. But still i felt that i was alone. It was freaking horrible. Anyone knows what is happening to me though? Any cure someone can give me?

Have more on my mind but dont really feel like writing it all at the moment. Just plainly tired and feel angry at my computer for crapping. Wish things were easier.

Though of doing a little blogging now when i'm sitting down and waiting for my laptop to be upgraded to the latest version of Fedora. Well i guess thats all i'm gonna say about computers otherwise it'll be pretty boring. Though before i updated the computer though i saw Clannad the movie. And yea i know its a Anime and it doesnt follow the series fully. But heck i dont care i like the movie better either way! Dunno why i really like that movie. It gives me the chills at specific times. Its both a very happy movie and sad. And yea no action. So lovely without all that action scenes where people get killed but still stand and talk. Freaking annoying. Maybe have grown some love on non action movies. Or just that i grown tired of the action ones. Either way as i said before it gives me the chills and there aint many things that gives me the chills in this world. And i tell you two things i confess of getting the chills from is specific operas and Clannad the movie. Both things are exellent in their own ways. And i say when i say opera songs i mean songs like Fredrik Kempe's Vincero, Paul Potts and Luciano Pavarotti. Awfully good singers. Though they all have sang Nessun Droma and they all have their own versions. Badly enough only Paul Potts is active. Cause Pavarotti is dead since last year and Fredrik is now days performing at rare cases from what i have gotten information about. Well hopefully i'll get the chance to hear Paul potts one day. A must to see him when i go to UK. ;)
Enough of opera might be considered gay soon. Wouldnt be too good. Well atleast i know of my sexuality.
Dreamhack is just around the corner or actually just 1 day and 6 hours away. Though me and my friends as we usually do go in a little later so we dont need to be in any lines. This year we'll be six people going. New record! Though we have been 5 before. And this time its gonna be my 5th time there geeking around like a fool. Hopefully i'll survive it without scratches from "people". Last time i got lots of hugs of random people. Why? I have no idea. Not really famous or anything. But also last time was horrible due to two reasons we only were 3 people going and someone very dear to me was undergoing a major surgery. So i was really restless the whole time and worrying my butt of more than 50% of the time. Though happily everything went fine and i accidently sent an sms to the parent and spoiled a few things that she shouldnt had heard for that time. Well that was last year. I wonder what will happen this year. One thing for sure that have to be done is that i have to buy a new mouse. My current one is really annoying me at the moment cause it goes on and off the whole time. My beloved MX510! *sob, sob* and i dont wanna upgrade to a MX518. I love my MX510. I have had it since my first dreamhack. And my god i just noticed its over 5 years old. That makes it even more sad. :'( Well one day it will die though till then keep on living my MX510.
Enough of my sad moment now. Time for some cheering up i guess.


Fun for the whole family

Well its getting late now and i need my beauty sleep. And everyone who have seen my face knows that i need beauty sleep. :P

Dunno whats really with myself sometimes. Lately or actually for quite some time i have had the urge to always have people around me and make notice of me without having myself to show myself off. If i dont get that social attention i somehow get deppressed somehow. Not sure where i got it from but i guess on being an outcast for many years have made its mark on me. Even now i feel still feel like an outcast. Though mostly now its cause i woke up at 12pm and noticed my housemates was gone. I guess they went to some party not sure though. Either way due to that i felt really depressed and left out even though it was really my fault for falling asleep early. Dumbshit me! So just to cheer me up in some way i went online on MSN and looked if someone wanted to talk with me. But nope no one was up to it. Felt angry cause no one wanted to talk with me. Why am i so dependet on people?! :(
Next try is a shameful one really and i do confess. I went on 4chan.org . For those who doesnt know what 4chan is then i'll tell you its a picture forum where you can upload any kind of photo and that includes even pornographic pictures. And i warn you dont visit the random area or that people call /b/ cause already (havent been on that site for a long time) i have seen pictures that are illegal anywhere in the world. Either way i went there to check if there was anything to make me feel a little better but there was none. Was even on /s/ and it only made me wonder why there is so many of pictures of girls naked online. And i mean just go to /s/ and you will maybe find even the girl next door or something (not that it has happened). Either way it didnt really help.
Though i guess its that i have people to talk with during the day i can keep myself sane each day. I thank you all for it. And those who have helped me through the last months i'm extra grateful towards. Dont think i wouldnt be standing without the help i got. As much as the last months have strengthen me it have also opened me for something else and i hope it will be good cause i really dont wanna bring people down in the future due to my miserableness.

Good night. I hope it was readable. ;)

* Your parents’ driveway with the car still running.

* The bushes outside your ex-girlfriend’s apartment using a boom box as a pillow.

* Spooning some random dude.

* In a bath tub covered in blood.

* The Emergency Room with: A) a stab wound, B) significantly less teeth, C) your arms handcuffed to the bed, and/or D) your mom hysterically crying across the room.

* The back seat of a stranger’s car.

* In a strip club getting asked if that last lap dance should go on your credit card like the others.

* On a downtown park bench in a city you’re unfamiliar with.

* Next to your buddy wailing on a chick who may or may not be a professional.

* Surrounded by your friends trying to figure out how you’re too stupid to find a bathroom.

* The back bedroom of a trailer, for the second time.

* Your parents’ kitchen floor.

* Next to a minor telling you it’s “our little secret”.

* The front lawn of the local synagogue.

* Cleveland.

* Next to any chick your friends have nicknamed slam pig, war pig, big bear, polar bear, hedgehog, freight elevator, or anything else that references her size and/or resemblance to a wild animal.

* The drunk tank with someone dropping a deuce in the community toilet.

* The couch with no pants on and the dryer running.

* The neighbors’ front porch when you don’t know the neighbors.

* On the floor of your old apartment with the new residents dialing 911.

Second post today and a late one as usuall. ;)
Finally i finished cleaning up one of the continents. And as you can see its called Nasdir. And this continent is where things will start off at. Though right now there is three continents but only this one is finished for cleaning. Will probably finish the others later. Though i will show off a little how things looked like before i photoshoped the map. ^^

Its sunday and i'm watching Singing Bee on TV3. Not often i watch tv i tell you. Was away and visted my grandmother yesterday actually. Well i went cause its a little tradition to have the birthday party with the relatives or atleast on my fathers side. This time was a little diffrent. My biological grandfather was there. It was like 2 years since i last saw him. And it was when we put my father to the sea outside of Helsingborg. When i saw him i so saw my fathers face in his stead. Directly i got like a stone in my throat. Horrible but played on looking "cool". Alot of mischef with my small cousins and a few hours alter we went back. The day wasnt that great really. Though i guess the day wasnt so good due to two reasons. First of i was quite worried about a person. I knew i shouldnt have been as worried as i was. All cause i didnt fully know what was going on the other side of the world. Feels like i'm getting dependent on always knowing what's going in other peoples life. But today i atleast heard why things ended up as it did. And i can say i really felt relief. Worst thing was that i dreamt about that same person and it was almost like a nightmare. I guess most people would had seen it as a nightmare but i can say i didnt really got scared by it. Maybe it was a sign that i care about the person more than i realise.
Second reason is cause i saw a few pictures of Ashikin in 3 diffrent dresses. I have no idea but when i saw her in those dresses i felt really bad. Even though i have nothing to do with her anymore. Probably i'm still in one of the phases of breakup i guess. Though its weird. I have found someone that makes me feel good again. And i mean really good, but as soon as i see a new picture of Ashikin i suddenly feel sad till i am able to talk with the other one. I am a really messed up person aint i? Hopefully i will calm down. Or maybe that is how i am gonna live my life as a rollercoaster. Though how do i become a more calm person?

And here comes a vid. ;)

Still a little sick but atleast i think i am thinking clearly. Though today i have really decided. A decision that will probably change my life quite alot. For some it might seem crazy and for some maybe it's a great thing. But for me this is something i have wanted for years. And it is about moving to Great Brittain. Though i have already decided on London. Its not really been a dream my whole life or anything but i have been wanting it for many years now. Even though many says its not that big of a difference than back here in Sweden. Maybe its not but it is diffrent in other ways and there i most probably can feel that im restarting my life and can become the person i want to be. Cause back here in sweden everything will just drag with me behind my back. All the 'history' i have made, things that have marked me for life, world i put myself into. I sort of like it in a way i have it here, but then again i feel that something is waiting for me there. Actually last days there have been thoughts about Australia. But that i guess is something i just wanted cause i knew she wants to go there and study. But then i guess i just have to let go off just hoping that going there will make things all right. Cause really when i am there what will i do? Work in the heating sun in some office? I rather do that in a office in a country where i can have all the seasons. Instead of in a country where the lowest temperature is 8C.
And i sort off already planned on when i'm gonna move there. Hold on this might come shocking for some people. But i will try as fast as possible really after i'm finished here with the studies. But also i have to work here for like 2-3months first so i have some money to survive there in the very beginning. So around maybe November 2009 i will go to London my very first time in my life and live there. And i am not letting someone go in my way for that.

Clock is 23:13 and i should be asleep. Tomorrow i'm gonna visit Telia Sonera and i have to be at school around 08:00 *sob*. Too freaking early if you ask me. Though i guess i wont have a problem with it now. My sleeping sheduale have changed over the weekend. Somehow i have gotten an easier time to get up in the morning but i have to nap around 18:00. Weird really, though i slept awhile ago i'm still quite sleepy somehow. Something must be wrong with me i never was like that before only times i napped before like that was while i was in Malaysia but that i guess was cause of the heat. But back here in sweden there is no heat now. Maybe my brain is crapping me.

Trying to find some lyrics to fit in with today about how i am feeling, though i cant find any. Annoying, Though anything anyone can recommend to me? And i'm already saying no to The click 5, ryan cabrera, Keith urban or anything like that. Not in the mood for any girl pop or such stuff. Though im hardly ever up for anything like that. Even right now Anthrax and Metallica doesnt sound good enough for me. Its too bad i dont have Rise against or Goldfinger on this computer, they usually get me going. Though Ghost showed me Katatonia yesterday and they were quite nice. And of course its swedish music. :P

Tomorrow morning Heroes comes out. Episode 3 and i can say the season started off quite well, and so far a little better than season 2. Well not only is Heroes gonna be released but so will House MD. Dunno why i like that series really its very repetive somehow. Always the same thing in a way. Always the patient is about to die when House gets what it is.

Well i guess there wont be a lyric instead i'll show some youtube clip of one of my favorite bands

Rise Against - Like the Angel


Rise Against - Paper Wings



And now Amelia i have changed your name so you'll find your link in the list. Look under ShugarShorty, hope you like that better.

Well i can start off with gratulating Johan a friend of mine from university and not the other Johan from my hometown. He is gonna be a father around May, so i wish him the best of luck and hope it will be a healthy child.

Besides that at the moment i'm at my mothers place over the weekend due to no reason. Well in a way i need to come away from Jönköping. Stressing out everyday in a way with the thinking exams is comming up and then we will go on a "school trip" to Telia Sonera and see how their network looks like. I'm really 'woho' over that. Notice the irony.

The people over at SYSteam called me last monday and told me that i had been choosen to do the second interview for them. They said they would call me at the end of the week with more information about when it should be. Cause now they were just calling around to tell people that they had gotten further with the interviews. And all of those who know how the system works here knows that it usually happens on a Thursday or on a Friday. Though they never called back. And now its sunday. Well hopefully they were just too busy and will call me on monday or tuesday otherwise i guess i'll just call them back and see what is happening.

Though if i get the full time job i think i might reduce how much i'll be in school and take one course at the time. But not not jumping off school. Just prolong it a little. Plus either way i have like only 2 more courses after this and that would mean i would only need like maybe a half year extra. Plus the loan would be reduced quite fast so i wont need to pay for as long and as much. Though at the moment i am owing them 50'000 SEK. Well if i reduce it as much as possible fast then the faster i can study for Game designing. Though there is still a long way there. And i hope the book is finished by then. And i know someone who'll think i'll just waste time away if i do this. Well i'm sorry to say this but i need money to survive and that comes before studying. I might loose some time on it. But during that time i'm not dependet on others or my results but instead on what i'm good at. Cause i'm not good at studying, but i have always been one who have been good at learning from experince instead of from the theory. And i feel right now that i need that experience to take the next step instead of getting all the theory behind it.

Though today i guess i have been single for about 2 weeks you can say. And i can tell you all it feels horrible. Though it is my fault that i got into the situation of being single. Wish i didnt say what i said to her. But it seems she was able to move on. And i'm happy for her, but i have the trouble moving on myself. There isnt a single day so far i havent thought about what i did and how i can fix it. But at the end of all the thinking i always come up with that she will be happier without me, cause all i do is hurt her and that is why it became this way in the first place. Though i can only say i'm sorry for everything i have done at this moment though i know there is nothing i can return to. So all i wanna do now is just make sure that she is safe and happy. And hopefully there will come a day when she'll find someone she'll go crazy over and that the person she likes can answer those feelings without hurting her. Even though she says she doesnt believe in long lasting love i know she'll find it someday with someone who really will take care of her. Even though it hurts me to say all that and really want her for my own, i really wish for her happiness above my own.

Though as a request to someone out there. Help me move on cause this is killing me. I might be troublesome but maybe you can succeed with helping me move on. Though i prefer someone i can meet rather than someone who's on the other side of the world right now. I can tell you that its not easy when there is a distance and the only way to communicate is through a MSN conversation. So if you live in Sweden and near Jönköping, then just contact me. Dont care if
your not native swedish or that the only way you can communicate is in english. I talk english almost every day now so dont worry.
PS: Don't take the add too seriously i'm just crapping myself away. Though it would be nice to have someone to talk to about the whole thing.

Though just to add a few things to this all and that i find weird. Around the time i got together with her i trained alot of karate but shortly after we got together i lost some of the reason to continue with it. And now when it's over i all of the sudden i feel the need to start to train again. So now i am doing situps and arm heaves regulary and it started right after the breakup. I wonder what its about. This is just theory from a tired Kenny just so you know and can be all out wrong. Maybe i stopped before cause i felt that at that time i had someone i really cared about and that she didnt care about how i fit i was. And now when its over my body just switched over to some sort of single mode where it wants to come back to the fit game. I have already gotten myself 3 new kilos on 2 weeks. And that is freaking fast with the thinking i have been trying hard the last couple of years to gain weight. I guess just some training again would do it. Though back in the days of when i trained Karate i was around the same weight the whole time, even though i trained alot. Maybe now its cause i just make plain muscular training that i gain weight instead of before when i trained the whole of my body and was more into technique training and be able to use the power i had to use it as effectivly as possible. But thats just a theory.

Still playing around with the Irrlicht Engine. Right now i just want to create this floating castle and experiment with NPC and stuff like that. Though no mail about anyone intressted yet though i guess its gonna be like this for quite awhile. Hopefully things will start to move soon, just wished it was already started with production. Well i guess its like this when there is no money involved. Plus there isnt that many that keep track of my blogg. Though i know a few who does and they seem to visit quite alot. But most of the people i know isnt intressted in what i want to do. Well some are but not to the extent to be able to help me or i havent been able to talk to them about it.

Tomorrow i probably gonna work at my mothers antique shop. And i know already i wont like it. I never do. Usually just a bunch of old people comming there to buy things to support the shop and sometimes some other people to come around and look at things. And the place stinks. Though it only seems i'm the only one troubled with it. Everything just smells old and more than half the stuff there i hardly dare to touch. And i can tell you i have no problem with old people, just dont like the aura they give away from themself sometimes. And i'm no psycic or anything but they sometimes really give away a bad aura and you just feel down or depressed from them.

The book is getting delayed. Wrote on it a few days ago but when i started to check everything i noticed things were missing. Most of what i had written on the prologue and the first chapter was gone. I got really mad and really lost the will to write anything. Though i pained myself to rewrite most of what was missing. But i guess some new ideas for the comming chapters came up during that time so in a way i guess it was a good thing. I really need to finish the first book. But i have a feeling it will take quite awhile before it'll be finished. I dont have that much time to write anything. If it werent for all the studys i might have come way further with it. Well God give me strength to finish the first one so i can continue with the rest of the story. There is so much to write and i feel if i just finish the first one the rest will come. Though everything is already here but stuck in my head and have been there for years. Dont fully remember when it all started i remember the first works of it came when i was on my skiiing trip to Idre. I drew a image of a shield with the Phoenix feather crest on it. And it was the first drewing i really felt that it was well made. After that my fantasy have been working like crazy but i never wrote it down. Instead i read alot i remembered.

I read books like Harry potter, Wheel of time and Sword of Truth. And i can tell you all that the wheel of time series is like 22 books in swedish and the Sword of truth is 16 books in swedish at this moment. And more to come for Sword of truth. Actually As you might have seen i got a new link on my link list. Legend of the Seeker is actually the new series of the books of Sword of truth. And i'm eagerly waiting for it to release. Though the first season will only handle the first english book. And that is like the 2 first books in swedish. How they are gonna pull that off i have no idea with the thinking the first season is like 22 episodes that is like 40 min each without advertisements. Well hopefully it'll go well though i can already say that the books is gonna be better than the series. But they wont miss out as much as they do when they make movies out of books. Cause now they have 22x40mins for the first book. *Spoiler Warning* To read just mark the space that is missing.
Though something i really will enjoy later is when Kahlan will ride nude and pale on a horse to scare a whole army and then make them surrender before her. And i probably will get the chills when Richard is gonna learn to handle his powers.

I guess i just have to stop here before i write too much. Became quite alot and i hope you survived reading it all. Well its getting late now and i need to sleep. Well i guess i'll see you all some other day. And dont forget to leave a message after reading this. Cause that'll make me happy. And i'm okey with critizism also though not about spelling cause i already know that i need to fix that. Have a good day or night.