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Waiting for the next burn notice to get done while sitting in my room alone. These days and many other days i have been feeling down and pretty shitty in general. Stomach problems, legs hurting, dizziness and loneliness. All have been "normal" this week really and due to that i feel horrible. I hate these normal days of mine. Sleep, got to work, get home, eat, talk a little and then go back to sleep. And in all honestly it sucks big time for me not having none to talk to face to face with or just being able to hug someone in person that you care about. Heck i think partly i feel like this is cause i live at the moment far from any of my friends whom i never see or hardly hear anything about. In this whole i'm living at now i know like none or actually those whom i have learned to know here i just try to keep away from. Sometimes i just wonder how in the world why i was put here in the first place. People said when i younger that i would be the new Bill gates one day due to knowledge in computers in such a young age.

Though how did i turn out? At the time i have a temporarily employment at a computer workshop that doesn't suck that bad. And i sit at home most of my days either writing or trying to make my first game. I am never really out. I wish i did though but where i am at now there is nothing else to do beside of staying in doing my own thing. Heck i just wish i could take my ass and maybe move away from this place to a much bigger city where i could just find more people like myself or just some people to connect with. And worst is in a way is that those i feel most connected to at the moment arent even swedish talking.

At many times i feel that i maybe dont really have a spot here where i have grown up. Its like im growing or drifting away from where i once belonged. The very place i once called home is a place where i feel like a stranger actually. I visit my home town last week for 2 days. Haven't been there for maybe 2 years and i felt like i didn't belong there any more. And heck i have been living there for 18 years. From the very day i was born i lived in that small village and i lived there till i was forced to move due to studies and that my mother was moving to a village/town where i couldn't travel from to get to the university. Now 2 years later i returned and it didnt feel like home any more. The very place i thought i could feel that i always belonged to, but it wasnt there.

My birthtown was no more. And it partly crushed my heart. And now at this time i dont really feel at home. Not where my mother live. Nor back where i studied and not in my birthtown. So where do i belong? Will i feel like home somewhere or will i maybe stay somewhere without having that clear feeling of security and comfort? A place where i can return to at any time? Maybe its just a part of growing older? Or its the fact that my body wants to run away to a far away country. Maybe its just that i really need to do. Run away and start anew. Start out fresh with friends that wants to see me often and doesnt live a monthly saving away. A place i can maybe feel that i am someone for a someone or some people.

Heck i should stop talk gibberish before i do something impulsive.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 26, 2009 at Sunday, July 26, 2009 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

1 comments

We're HERE for you. :)

Malaysia, they call it!

26/7/09 10:04

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